Being A Republican For Retards

It's 'retards' as in stupid people, not handicapped people. I have nothing against the handicapped, I support the special Olympics. I'm sure someone will jump on me about the title. Whatever you have to do to ignore the bulk of the information presented to you. Republicans are really good at that.
Here's the shortbus...err I mean shortlist of how to be a Republican.
 
1. Insist that George W. Bush was the greatest president ever, make sure you attack anyone that suggests anything he did had a negative long-lasting impact on any aspect of America today.
 
2. Start a collection of magazines, no matter how reputable they may be which offer false evidence that Obama is not an American citizen. Mention this 'evidence' when confronted with anything positive that Obama has done since becoming president.
 
3. Say the word 'Death-panel' at least twelve times to each and every person you meet that supports health care reform. Use the word so much that you actually believe in 'Death-panels' even though the issue has been proven to be a lark. 'But I can't afford health care on my own.' The only correct response to this statement for a Republican is 'Get a better job or it's the Death-panel for you Hippy!' Then spit on them.

 
4. Support smaller government and larger corporate control, because you have to believe that large corporations care more about the well being of Americas than the government. Shake your fist at anyone that suggests they care more about profit than people, and site all the wonderful things corporations have done for American people. Try not to mention any environmental destruction, asbestos, lead poisoning, or pollution.
 
5. Apologize to big oil for the whiny Americans that want them to clean up their mess. In fact just apologize to every corporation whenever the government tries to hold them accountable for anything. See Blame everything on Obama.

 
6. Invest in Kryptonite, Superman is a democrat and someday he might come for you. Buy a bunch of guns and a decommissioned bunker while you're at it, Lex Luthor will cut you a great deal.
 
7. Never worry about anything that's likely to happen, whip yourself into a frenzy over things that won't happen. Then when they don't happen say it's because you stood up to it.

 
8. Buy a Carbonite Subscription, because Glenn Beck says it's good and Mac's fail just like PC's do. Plus external hard drives are like internal hard drives, and it's like having a spleen on the outside of your body. In Beck we Trust.
 
9. Blame everything on Obama and I mean everything. Papercut? Obama caused it by not regulating the paper industry more judiciously. Yell at Democrats for blaming everything on Bush, yell at anyone that suggests Bush was anything but perfect. Always deny that any of his policies are the cause of any current problems with the country.

 
10. Tape a poster of Sarah Palin to your ceiling and sing 'Happy birthday Misses President' while you touch yourself at night. Always tell people that Sarah is brilliant and that none of your opinion of her is based on physical attraction. Insist that anyone who criticizes her is being sexist, and if you are female vehemently deny that any feminist fervor has clouded your judgment. "She's just really smart and happens to be a pretty lady." is an acceptable retort to such an accusation.
 
11. Keep a highlighter and a copy of 'The Overton Window' in your bathroom. Tell everyone you know what a great book it is and how genuine you think Glenn Beck is, even when he fake cries, blathers about carbonite, blames soccer for the worlds problems, or says that public schools need to be abolished.
 
12. Have the largest number of registered voters in the country and still lose an election to a Democrat.